Emo Vampire - Mark Douglas

Ill never be an emo vampire

Setting tweenaged loins on fire

Ive got nothing in common with the vampires of today

They gaze at girls

And pout and brood

And then just run away

This Twilight hack thinks she can come along

And change the Vampire rules

I guess sleeping in coffins and wearing capes

Suddenly isnt cool

Girls won’t climb up trees with me

Or canoodle in the grass

And when I play Vampire baseball

I always get picked last

VAMPIRE

Ah come on

Seriously dudes

Thats a human you just picked over me

Ive seduced all kinds of women from all over the world

But now the only dates I get

Are with chunky gothic girls

When did all these Vampires

Become abstinent and whiny

When I walk into the sun

I dont get all bright and shiny

Vampires dont have purity rings

Like undead Jonas Brothers

If I can’t score with these high school girls

Perhaps Ill go for their mothers

VAMPIRE

Why not? When youre 600 years old theres no such thing as a cougar

Ill never be an emo vampire

Setting tweenaged loins on fire

Ill have no participation

In this vampire pussification

So wake me up when the world grows a pair of fangs

VAMPIRE

You thought I was going to say balls didn’t you?